Sunday, February 21, 2016

this simple life...

My quest is not an easy one - a simple life.

I want a family, a little house on a farm surrounded by a forest... near mountains and the sea... a loyal dog and friends I can truly trust... I want to wake up with the sun, far from cities and crowds of miserable people rushing to get to jobs they hate to pay off the debts they acquired for things they did not need... I want to grow my own food and have some chickens and lambs... I want an apple grove and pecan trees... corn and assorted vegetables on a piece of land where I can build houses for my sons and their sons.

I only need enough to feed my clan but I have complicated my life by forming a tribe and selling my dream of an independent society to others... well, I did not really sell my dream to others - I just started to move toward it and destiny gathered like minded men to me - it is no coincidence and it is no luck or accident... when you focus on what you want and move in the direction of it you will attract to you that which you seek - it is my belief and I cannot be convinced otherwise - because there are no coincidences.

I was still very young when I began to notice how the world  - and those in the world reacted and responded to my actions and thoughts, to my behavior and passions... but it took me a while to start to pay attention to my own reactions and responses to the world around me.  I noticed how my attitude affected those around me and how others moods affected my own... I notice that when I dress a certain way I feel a certain way and I attracted certain types of women to me... if I am in dungarees and a t-shirt and boots I feel a certain way and act a certain way... when I am in my favorite brown shirt I am relaxed and confident and on top of the world like a rock star with out a care and it shows... when I am suited up I have a strong and powerful attitude and those around me will sense it and I will draw to me what my desires are attracting when I am in that mode... can’t explain it... I can only live it...

By nature I am and have always been very solitary and I as I have gotten older I very much prefer to be alone - I never have been much for big groups though I always have been in big groups - but the very small circles have always been the best ones for me.  This new group is made up of solitary men all chasing after the same thing... what is very interesting about this group is that as we are all solitary men - we allow everyone their space - even when we gather as a group...

Thursday night we almost got into a fight but the other group backed down - they underestimated our numbers because of the quite solitary members that just sat alone with their drinks and private thoughts  - who were mostly angered by the inconvenient interruption of their stillness... I said nothing during the whole thing  - it was a conversation between a couple of ours and a couple of theirs that turned into an argument and escalated...  When tables and chairs were pushed aside I just looked on and listened and watched my crew slowly rise to their feet and gather around the others... and you could literally feel how the mood and the atmosphere of the bar change to one of anticipation for a brawl... then... one of their guys... and it seems to always be the loud mouth douche that always says... “bitch, do you know who I am?” and that is usually the point when I punch  them... but I was standing in the back of my crew at a tall table with my cold beer... my young friend, the one I wrote about, steps forward to the douche and stares at him coldly and lets all his anger rise... he turns his head very... very slow to look back at me... I pick my pint up and take a drink... look back at my friend  and I know that everyone is looking at me... I give a slight nod and he turns back to the douche... “looks like you’re all out of luck, faggot... because nobody here gives a fuck who you think you are...” and our crew all take a step forward... then a voice in the crowd says... “what the fuck is this..." and a few guys on the potentials list who we were to meet with that night come forward and look at our number two - “where’s the Chief?”  one of them says... and he looks back at me... “what do you say boss-man... can we get in on this or is this a locals only brawl?” everyone looks at me again - and my first thought is - this complicates my simple plans... my second thought is I am getting too old for this shit... a thought that quickly vanishes by the thought that this will be one awesome brawl... I walk forward and everyone is eyes on me... I stand behind my guy and look at the douche... I can see and sense that he is nervous... and his guys too... the doorman and another security guy come over and the door man, a big black guy says to me “slow down big daddy... I don’t want no blood on my floor tonight...” he puts his arm out between my guy and the douche and my guy says - “careful, this one’s important...” and you could see that it pissed off the douche... and he started to move forward but the doorman stops him and says “easy big-stuff... these men here don’t give a damn and they have no time for your bullshit...” and that is when the black man noticed one of the new guys of our crew... a man in his mid twenties who is just fucking jacked... a quiet solitary man that could give superman a fight for his money... and the doorman lets out a “damn, man...” and shakes his head... the douche says “we’re leaving...” but points his finger at my guy and says “I’ll find you bitch...”  black man grabs the douche by the back of the neck and says - “boy... shut the fuck up... I’m doing you a favor... “ and they pushed their way through the crowd and disappeared... the one from the potentials laughs and says... “that’s what I’m looking for...” and we all went back to our thoughts and our drinks.

My crew has that place on lock-down... it has been a long time since I could say that... it feels good... try it.

The rest of the night was pretty quiet and as usual other men would come around to find out who we are and what we are about and we tell them... I stay quiet now and let the others explain things... this is moving faster than I thought it would... and might get complicated... but the men we gather are not complicated... they just want the simple things and a place of their own to enjoy it...

Friday night we took over a pancake house and for the first time, outside of the inner-circle, I showed others the ever changing plans for the village and the farm... after I explained it all there was a moment of silence but it was broken by a unison eruption of questions... when... where... how... the captain of our clubhouse said he would drop all his plans right now to build it - the village... and they all said the same... I said first we have to find where... then we plant our food and gather our live stock... and we build us a church... and then we start building our houses... I don’t know why but I looked over at “the big man” - you just can’t help but look at him... he’s a mountain of muscle... and he smiles and everyone looks at him... and he says... ‘I gotta get some of you into the gym... ‘cuz I  ain’t gonna be the only one liftin’ rocks and beams and we laughed... there was excitement and hope in their voices until one - a no nonsense all business serious and practical one of us says - “you can’t do this here in the states... when they find you it’s only a matter of time before the state goes Waco on us...” 

I know most of these guys don’t want to leave the States... they are not afraid and will willingly help push the modern world towards it destruction just to get t it over with and start something new... we all know this is going to collapse in on itself... we only have to look at Europe to see what we have in store for us here... we can go somewhere else and start from scratch - which is what I would rather do - or we can stay here and wait... either way the end of the dream is coming and it will be a long hard and dark climb out of the chaos... Europe will be lost forever if the men do not do something quickly - where is your military Europe... is this what they want... what is it they are fighting to protect?

The fall of America will be especially hard - Americans are stupid... greedy and rely on their government too much... but that government could care less about the people... but the fall is coming... tribe or no tribe... if you have no plan and are not prepared or if you just can’t come to terms with the inevitable collapse... you won’t make it... I know that somewhere, the men that are orchestrating all of this are laughing their fat assess off... and somewhere there is a boy on a lonely farm... away from the problems of this modern world... basking in the ignorance and the glory of his innocence and his youth...

I don’t want to be anybodies hero... I just want what that little boy has...

Thursday, February 18, 2016

when she was the muse

I wont try to pretend that I was not hurt by the vision of her...

I wont act like the memories of her are only good for inspiring poetry that is best left forgotten...

I wont lie to you and say... she was fat and ugly... and that her smile did not knock me off my feet...

But she was not smiling at me... she may not have even seen me... or felt my presence at all...

I wont tell you that I played it cool and ignored her like she was some one night stand whose name I never cared to learn... she was... in fact... never mine...

I froze... tried to catch my breath before she noticed this fool staring at her... I turned and walked away... remembering her... in her youth...

She was never mine... but my soul... is convinced otherwise...

This is what it felt like when I thought I loved her...

When she was the fire...

When she was the rain...

When she was the winter and the spring...

The desert and the sea...

When she was the dusk and the dawn...

The pleasure and the pain that tormented my heart and my mind...

This is what it felt like... when she was the muse.
Amanda Vasquez
about twenty years ago
some bar in Juarez.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

A Gathering of Men

When I left there were eight...

When I checked in there are now ten... but another twenty on a list of men that are interested in what we are doing... when I finally opened  my email... I  found twenty more enquiries from men in the El Paso area   - that are not on the list of potentials...

I told my guys before it was announced that the meet ups were cancelled, not to attend, but they started talking about it with others and what we are about and two men immediately wanted in - of course they have not gone through ritual but they most definitely want in from my understanding... the ones that have emailed me and the ones on the potentials list all have the same questions and curiosities... no... we are not about chasing skirts... but we’ll help you learn how - fortunately, these men could care less about the women... which is a good thing - it means they can get laid and can focus on more important things.

People seem confused by my writings at Deringer Files and my writings at Iron Legion - yes, I am the same guy that wrote all the tribalism rants... there has been a spike in visits to this journal over that last few days and I just noticed it - mostly coming from Simon’s Journal and some from other sources... what I wrote before in this journal is my life... and though most of it is about women and my unfortunate relationships with them... women are not my main focus in life - it is just what I have been writing about and my writing will be of a more reactionary nature... again, I am no saint nor do I claim to be one... and, again, I have been a big part of the problem - that being my helping to empower the modern American woman with my cock up her ass and using her throat to jack off into... yeah... I wasn’t helping things with that sort of behavior - but it is what the modern world wanted from me... what the modern woman wants... (he shrugs his shoulders in disbelief).

So what happened, some have asked... you wrote a post about being happy not giving a damn about anything and anyone and soon after I am writing comments and articles and expressing myself passionately about saving Western Civilization... That is destiny - there are no explanations to give, just, that  is how things played out.  I tried for a few years not to express my thoughts on politics and the modern world in this incarnation of the Deringer Files - there were there others before it, and one got very socially conscious - and I even published a news letter dealing with personal privacy and asset protection - following in the footsteps Of W. G. Hill... but all that came to a stop because things in my life got stranger that usual.  But how much stranger can things get if I continue on this course... destiny has decided for me? I can’t turn back... and I knew years ago that sooner or later, destiny and I would find each other... am I afraid - not for me, but I am concerned that the defenders of the internet - that group calling themselves anonymous might put the ones I love in danger... but, if anyone that I love gets hurt because of something that I write... I have no problem making pacts with other enemies of my enemies and setting cities on fire... in retribution, if the innocent must pay for the actions of others.

I just want to be left alone - we just want to be left alone to live our lives our way... to preserve our culture, our religion and our traditions... we are not forcing our beliefs on anyone... do not force your beliefs on us... we see how you are... you are filled with misery and anger and hatred... your lives have no purpose and no meaning... you are ungrateful for what you have... and greedy for more... your only strength is your mob and your leftist press... but the world has now seen how they lie... an undeniable truth of their lies shown to the entire world...  now who is going to believe the main stream media other than the left... so now what?

I just want to be left alone and live a simple uncomplicated life where I don’t have to live in fear for myself and those I  love over my opinions... fortunately for me, I will be renouncing my citizenship soon... but will America just let me walk away from it in peace... we’ll see - I am a peaceful man and think wars are stupid, but I figured out a while back that they are not to protect my freedoms, so yes, I invested in the military industrial complex.  I know that the women in America are damaged and confused and highly medicated, so yes, I did invest in the pharmaceutical companies that make your drugs, and I do preach a healthy lifestyle and tell people to grow your own food, but because I know that our government could careless about the food you eat and America is a country of fatties... I invested in the companies that keep you fat and miserable and ugly... there... I will sleep well tonight... just because I learned how to play the game don’t get pissed of at me for making money off your decline... I’m not in debt and I am not on medication - like the games women play - don’t hate the men that learned how to play the games you created... after all,  he’s the one you want to fuck anyway...

My tribe is getting big and all I did was isolate myself in another country for a few days to keep me from going on a whoring spree... and my tribe will gather at the end of the month in a public bar... and now, after this whole thing Roosh started - my respects to you young man, I get it now - more men are gathering... and they will gather regularly... and next time you just will not be able to stop them... at least not my crew... you wont be able to miss us... we’ll be the  well dressed handsome bunch... the happy, healthy prosperous ones ignoring you - or laughing at you... but trust me, it is not the gatherings you have to worry about... you should worry when we have gone silent... and turn off the lights.


Oh... we need a new club house - the Legionnaire whose garage we used found himself a high paying job else where and will be relocating soon... and will be starting up a new group there... the tribe grows and I need to find another barber...
We are not a militia, we are a nation. we are traditionalists. we are Christians – we do not accept your labels of conservatives and extremists – we are liberated and united in one belief and one God. we are strong, determined and proud and we will not grovel before you – you have nothing we need or want. We are intelligent, we are creative, we are independent of your world… of your system. We are among you but separate from you – we are not participants in your decline. We will not protect you, we will not defend you in the chaos… you will come to us, if you have nothing to offer our society the gates shall be closed to you. we seek men of strength and conviction – fearless in mind and spirit. We seek women of tradition that wish to help preserve their culture with dignity and honor – the future of your people is in your hands. We are not afraid to fight – when the fight comes. We will stand up for what we believe in. We prefer to live among you in peace if we are left alone to live as we chose – but we are not afraid to throw fuel on the fires of chaos…

Friday, February 5, 2016

night of a thousand X's

It was something in her smile...

You know the way  we smile at someone when we try to convince them that we are fine... the smile we try to give when we can’t convince ourselves of the lies we repeat to no-one there in the dark... and when the ghosts of the past return to remind you that what that was... in those moments... was real...

That smile... was the way she smiled at me... and I knew...

That I... somehow... am the one that broke her heart...

And all I could do was just look at her... I could not smile and I could not pretend... an she knew it... she knows that I miss her... and... she knows that I want her... and she knew that to see her with another man... was the thing that would make me let her go... forever... and that, I think, was why she smiled the way she did...

And I just stared at her until I could not look at her any more... and what-ever hope I had left in me that I could convince her to go away with me... to come back to me... and we would find a way to chase my dreams closer to where she wanted me to be... faded away... leaving only the aroma of what might have been... the way the smoke of those church candles lingers on you long after you’ve left the cathedral... but you notice that you can’t stop  inhaling that phantom smoke that follows you... and you hold it in the back of your throat afraid that if you breath out... you’ll never get another whiff... I turned to walk away... but... and I’m not sure why...

I turned back to look at her one more time...

But she would not look back up at me... and I stepped back out into the night.

I don’t even know what I was doing out  - I had no intentions of really going anywhere or doing anything.  I left  my crew back in El Paso - our meeting was finished and I headed into Juarez... but when I got to my place I did not want to be alone... no... I did want to be alone... that was why I returned to Juarez - just to be left alone... but then... I started thinking about Carmen... and then I tried to remember certain things about Veronica... but those memories are fading faster than I can grab at  them... and though I wrote all those memories down in a book somewhere... I am afraid that ghost just might not be coming back anymore... and then Daniela’s face falls on my mind the way the snow covered the mountains a few days ago - it just showed up out of nowhere and for no apparent reason... just another uninvited guest to the party that we have to pretend we’re glad showed up... and let’s just be as cordial as we can be until they leave - but don’t leave me alone with them... and what started out as a small private affair... with my favorite girls got out of hand - and others kept showing up... some just dropped in for a quickie... others loitered about longer than they should have... some promised it would be the last time if I would just give them a little more time and hear them out... some were quite persuasive - they always were... and because I am a selfish bastard... I let them believe... they were seducing me - because I always did... some showed up just to pick a fight and one or two hid in the shadows... and couldn’t find a thing to say... well... the only thing we really had in common was the love we made... but it was good to see you again... even if I can’t remember your names... and Rebecca was there... and Carolina... and Sofia... and a very lovely girl named Inez... oh, my sweet Inez... I would say I am sorry... but you were not as innocent as you made out to be... Natalie and Camilla where in the kitchen mixing drinks - make mine a double... no ice... and somehow... just like before... Camilla distracted me from Carmen... and it didn’t take long to realize that Natalie was hanging around because she was kinky like that... and if things are going to get out of hand... aren’t I glad she’s still here?

“Look - you all enjoy yourselves... I need to pack”

“But, Tito... you already packed... your bag’s waiting for you on the other side of the bridge...” that shy -  fragile voice...

“I know baby doll... but I am going in the opposite direction... now...”

“Are you coming back home to me...” her voice squeaks like the echo of a mouse in the cupboard... that frightened, delicate voice...

I turn to face the mirror and Dagmar is standing behind me... “That would be a very bad idea, chief...” 

I can see another shadow behind Dags... but it is not hers - “my bad ideas are just beginning...”

“Well... you should drink some more... and start over again in the morning where you should be...”

“Where I should be?”

She looks at me puzzled - “Boss...”

I turn around and she has faded away... and the house has gone silent... and that hazy shadow in my room... turns to vapor... and it has that smokey smell... the herbs... and the teas... and the soaps... that followed Veronica... and sometimes seep out of the gauzy cloth wrapped around those wound she left on this old torn up soul of mine... but those smells no longer give me any comfort... not that they ever really did... they only annoy me like the far away giggles of those mean little girls that teased me when I was an awkward boy... I looked down at the bag on my bed and could not remember packing it... and for a while I did not remember how I got to Juarez... so I stepped out into the city to find lips to loose myself in... arms to wrap my self up in as I drown in someone else’s lies  and whispers and perfumes and kisses I can disregard in the morning... something meaningless to chase away the meaning of this lonely night...

And that was when I saw her... Sandra... and that was when she smiled that smile... and the meaning of it all just got lost somewhere between her insecurity and my desperation... and I just came back home... and sat in my room staring at my packed bag... not sure where I will be tomorrow...
But tonight...

    tonight... I can only wonder... will Valentina be waiting for me...
    like she said she would...