Mystery Girl

In dreams voices linger... faint whispers of conversations we over heard in a crowded train or coffee house - words that make no sense that we spend days and weeks trying to decipher but only ended up running circles in our minds when we end up trying to match a face to the voice that spoke the words - those words that must have a meaning... they must... for why else would they end up in our dreams.

In dreams faces come and go... a flash of a smile, a glow in a strangers eye, a girl with red ribbons in her hair... the man with the handle bar mustache... who are these people? Players in some midnight opera that inspire and torment the main characters... they enter stage right and disappear behind the paper background... they sit behind you on a bus... they stand in front of you at the post office... they run past you at the park... they fade away at the end of the aria... strangers without names... voices without faces... whispers without words... they linger... in the back of our minds they linger... and come and go as they please... in and out of our lives... in and out of our dreams....

She came into my life a little over ten years ago. There were no formal introductions, no "hello, it’s nice to meet you", no slow seduction.... she came to me on a long taxi ride home on a rainy morning at summers end, 1996, and she has been with me ever since. She has been a muse of sorts and she has been a strange kind of angel sitting on my shoulder whispering to me in sweet delicate tones comprised of the voices of lovers I let go too soon. She has been in many ways my conscience... my guide... my inspiration, and at times... my only friend. She has been a demon tormenting my dreams and tearing at my soul... she has been all that is good in me and all that is bad... she dragged me into the abyss and has led me to the light... through the good times and the hard times she has been with me... at my side all these ten long years.

Is she an angel... an echo from a past life... I never really wanted to know. I never really wanted to know if she was ever real or if I was just losing my mind... what’s left of it... but I always hoped - just a little - that one day... she would be there in a crowd... and like old friends we would smile at each other never saying a word... just a smile... and I would know... I’ll catch up to her later... I have literally drawn her around the world... well... figures of her... each and everyone slightly different than the one before... but all those drawings are pretty much the same... the eyes change and the smile changes - as I can never really get a good look at her face - in my dreams... but her position has always remained the same... she sits on the floor with one knee up in front of her with her arms crossed or with one hand under her chin... she is always in a black shirt and wearing blue jeans - I think... and the boots... strange looking boots that I can never seem to get right... I have drawn her face on napkins and walls and in notebooks across the country... I have left her image behind in airport lounges around the world and on hotel stationary in lobbies and bars from Chicago to Hong Kong... but I have never known her name. I have made her every woman I have ever had and every woman that I want. I have made her the standard by which all women that have come into my life in the last ten years have been judged by... and I do not know the color of her eyes... I do not know the feel of her fingers raking my chest... I do not know the smell of her skin... and the taste of her lips... but she has always been there... always in my head... always in my bed...

She broke my heart today... the one woman I never thought ever would... did... It had to happen sooner or later... eventually she would grow tired of my self centered, brooding artist, lonely bachelor ways... perhaps she felt it was time for me to know the truth of our relationship... maybe it is time for me to be on my own... she of course has always been the wiser of the two of us... so her judgement I must trust... she broke my heart... I don’t think I am ready to let her go... not just yet... give me one more night... Mystery Girl... give me one more night...

While lurking in the back ground of a certain forum that has been occupying much of my nights lately I found myself caught up in a discussion concerning certain women from ones past and mutual acquaintances... some how the conversation turned to the Mystery Girl... some one asked if I was in the fashion industry - I replied no... some one asked if I was in advertising - I replied at one time... some one asked if I wanted to meet the Mystery Girl - I replied it might be nice... and then that person posted her picture on the forum... and there she was... breaking my heart... for quite a while all I could do was laugh... was I relieved that I was not losing my mind... was I laughing the laugh of the damned... It is strange the things the mind chooses to hold on to... it still does not make any sense to me and I will probably be spending the next few days trying to unravel this mystery of the mind... then again... in some strange way... it all seems perfect and totally natural to my life...

Christy Turlington... the Mystery Girl